you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize