i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
