She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
