Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
