i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
