Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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