Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
They left me at home... I'm a liability
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
