Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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