Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
