So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
