I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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