Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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