Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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