if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
