just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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