And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
