i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
