Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You ever have a fart follow you around?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
