My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
