What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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