New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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