cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
