The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
