if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
