The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
