sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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