I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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