So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
