how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
