Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize