why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
