If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
