You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
you would pick up someone in the library
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
zippers are such a cool invention
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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