i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
