a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
