I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
