if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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