You're a womanizer and a bitch.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
