ugly people sure do ruin things
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize