He is an equal opportunity slut.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
