Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
