Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
