I wish my penis had an off switch
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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