so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
