things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize