maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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