Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
