I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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