im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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