Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
