He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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