why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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