She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My ass is underappreciated
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize