I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
