Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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