I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
