I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
