Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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