Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
