Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
