like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
