shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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