girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
