She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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